November 2009 Archives

Frequently I have argued that there was a better case for banning professional football than fox hunting. Clearly, because I loath bans, the dream ticket would be to combine the two sports but unfortunately the fox is likely to constitute a colour clash with anyone playing in orange.

However, my point has always been that while the odd red coated unspeakable has taken the handlebars head dive to heaven in pursuit of the uneatable, there is no record of large-scale mortality at any fox hunt. No hunt followers inescapably pinned by five barred gates.

Frequently I have argued that there was a better case for banning professional football than fox hunting. Clearly, because I loath bans, the dream ticket would be to combine the two sports but unfortunately the fox is likely to constitute a colour clash with anyone playing in orange.
However, my point has always been that while the odd red coated unspeakable has taken the handlebars head dive to heaven in pursuit of the uneatable, there is no record of large-scale mortality at any fox hunt. No hunt followers inescapably pinned by five barred gates.
Conversely, soccer's history is littered with tragic incidents of collapse, fire and broken nails. Obviously then hunting was banned in back to front Britain. A country become so ill tempered and bitter that an 87-year-old Suffolk grandfather is given a parking ticket after sunlight faded his disabled badge. A council official instructed him he should keep the badge: "Somewhere where the sun didn't shine..." Any offers?
We have become a nation governed by sensationalists who think it acceptable to put out TV advert showing a child being read a bedtime story in which all those naughty carbons cause huge tides which drown her pet dog.
That is simply not the work of a right minded person. That is the politics of the fox, propaganda for a cuddly wild puppy which is in truth mangy, murderous, vermin.
Well here's some good news. Despite the sensationalists, roof bangers and polar bear worriers there are more and more four-wheel drive models coming onto the market.
Granted many are to off roading what Len Goodman is to martial arts but at least when the earth is rent asunder and the great flood is upon the land more of us will be able to get home for Newsnight.
Crossovers are the main reason and among the first was Mitsubishi's Outlander, sharing an engine with Peugeot's 4007 and Citroen's Cris-Cross Quizzer. And that's about all.
For while the PSA versions were lovingly done out with more knick-knacks than Paul O'Grady the Outlander was more basic and butch. It didn't look like it would cry because Jedward were voted off X-Factor.
And so it remains in the latest version.
You with straight away see from that keen pricing remains a feature, the 2.0 DI-D SE costs just over £20k and for that Mitsubishi has upgraded the basic Equippe and adding 18-inch alloys, Bluetooth, cruise, extra airbags and a flimsy but useful third row of seats that rise majestically from the floor like the Tower ballroom organist. Cough up another £1,500 and leather seats transform the SE into a GSE.
And I like it why? well, despite a rather utilitarian feel to the interior finish it is relatively quick for its type at 10.8 seconds to 60mph and big. Most of all, while rivals are strangely bent on building 'sports' crossovers, the Outlander feels like it's switchable all-wheel drive was actually intended to be used in a field. On the road it is more sophisticated than you may expect with slight bounce from the suspension. The VW sourced diesel engine rattles on starting but soon settles down.
For such a useful and rugged 4x4 I see little wrong with the projected 42mpg. And with emissions at 174g/km I recommend legal action if you are accused of murdering any planets.
Which, given the somewhat moist nature of in Cumbria last weekend, you probably will be. Don't fret if this is the dog-drowning future we face. At least you have a car that will see you through it.

So what did the Prince of Darkness say as he wrapped is cloak about him and left for the House of Lords having visited Ellesmere Port?

Some advice. Before buying your next car, take care what it may be saying about your social status. The worst thing you can show yourself to be these days is a toff.
It is the insult of the moment and about as far from what is acceptable in Republik Britannia as cat skinning.

Even the Conservative Party, the natural home of the toff, is back pedalling away from toffism as frantically as Boris on his damsels-in-distress bike. By the way Bozza, oik is not a very street credible insult.

Yesterday I moaned about being eggbound at home thanks to some pavement work which, because it is on a pavement, required the entire road to be shut off. 'Elf and safety, guv.'

I may have given the impression that this was the most stupid, wasteful, pointless 90 foot resurfacing projects in the country. That no other council work being undertaken at this time so much resembled the work of a serial window licker.

A friend recently applied for permission to build a canal marina. Immediately a man who lived near the site objected. Clearly it was unacceptable to have gaily painted narrowboats at the bottom of his garden, something of a surprise considering his house is called Lock Cottage and one wet day is likely to relocate to the next county.

Needless to say one objection brought forth others and soon rent an objector was experiencing a splendid upturn in business what with the recession affecting all manner of home extension plans and the like.

SINCE the demise of the sainted Nissan Almera curry hook there have been many, many innovative labour saving devices fitted to our cars, but none quite so important. None quite so beneficial to the global wellbeing of mankind.

In fact apart from this artistically crafted hook, forged from the finest granulated virgin plastics, the only other excuses for Almera ownership were advanced years and altitude sickness.

Things are tougher than we thought. Not only as a nation are we collectively scrabbling about down the back of the sofa to fund a modest bird but it seems this Christmas will be without a wholesome visit to the panto.

Only 24% of British families plan a beanstalk or mother goosing outing this Yule, most others saying they will settle for prime minister's questions when they fancy a good fairytale or two.

The cost of taking a family to Cinderella is between £60 and £108 depending where in the UK you choose to watch a gaggle of has been soap stars and Radio 2 vicars perform the seminal works of Hans Christian Twanky.
So, despite the obvious attraction of Boris and Ken, the London epic Dick Whittington is looking pretty unloved but not as rejected as Bozza's other production, Goldilocks which has been voted least popular two hours of mindless drivel after An Inconvenient Truth.
Obviously, what with diversity and the rest of it, Snow White is right off the agenda.
For this illuminating insight into the social and economic plight of UK PLC we have General Motors' Chevrolet arm to thank.
And to ensure third world Englishland enjoys some festive cheer, the Yanks are coming in the form of a Captiva converted into a small music hall which will pull up in a town near you for a spot of free in-car pantomime.
personally I fancy The Jack and the Wiper Stalk or Little Red Riding with the Hood Down. Maybe Aladdin and the Blue Lamp, a story of safety partnerships, would amuse.
Or Sleeping Beauty. The one where Prince Mandelson kisses the board of GM which wakes up to the recession coming to a end and calls off its Magna deal.
Now that's what you call a pantomime

Look, it is really annoying being caught on the back foot. Almost as anger making as the cycling liberation front.
Or meeting Harriet Harman on a shopping trip, which a colleague of mine did this week in Skelmersdale, Lancs.

Owning a pickup is, like shooting the neighbours, something of a tradition in rural of America and not one with any stigma attached to it.

As well as regular trips to the woods to fill the freezer with free meat and the need to carry large amounts of groceries back from the 7-11 store, Americans are more robust on such issues as , oh, bombing the moon, for instance.