March 2009 Archives

Some time ago, long enough in fact to interest Tony Baldrick and his hairy time teamers, I owned a Renault 5 TS. Wow, I hear you say, it would be worth good money to see a trench through the north courtyard turn up a Roman soldier's shaving kit and parts of what, in pre-Gordini days, passed for a French hot hatch.
Let me draw you a map. It had a 1.6-litre, yes that's a whole1600cc, engine with hardly the power to pull Toulouse-Lautrec off your granny.
That, however, was fine because the gearbox was filled with Corsican pottery which you mixed around with an interesting sports gear lever so long it could double as a walking stick.
It was, none the less, revolutionary, being the first car ever, I believe, to be built out of Formica. And in it, delusion suggested, I cut quite a dash.
The essential in those days was an integral head rest, not one of those jobbies you clipped over the back of the front seats and would do no more to protect your neck than a 15th century executioner. The TS had fully sculpted high-backed sports seats with little triangles cut out for your hair.
So mad or what? Well, I sold it to a fellow motoring journalist who subsequently ran off with a girl half his age then had the nerve to demand the cost of a broken half-shaft. The car's not his.
If Renault still made cars as poor as those around in the Great European Communist period, I would have taken up road testing horses. But they don't, they make cars like the new Laguna Coupe which from the rear three-quarters has something of Aston Martin glamour about it.
The two-litre GT Turbo 205 three-door is a good yardstick of the range. Costing £23,900 it is suitably quick reaching 62mph in under eight seconds, not scary stuff but in that is the story. The coupe is unruffled and refined in a straight line and through the corners, all helped by steerable rear wheels which come into play at speeds above 37mph. Less peace and love, though, to the flat-bottomed steering wheel which makes your hands feel they have dropped off the edge of the world.
Consumption is pretty average at 34mpg and owners will be paying tax in band F
Comfort and equipment outstrips performance by a country mile. The GT has keyless entry, Bluetooth, leather seats parking sensors and big, fat alloys. Sat nav is not standard and would havebeen nice at the price.
Of course, being a coupe there is the age-old question of the back seats. Yes, you can take two friends to the theatre just so long as you have very small friends.
However, beware. Just like some young women, the two-litre GT in some ways flatters to deceive. Yes it is stunning to look at and very well equipped and finished but turns out to feel not quite as racy you may have hoped.

In this anniversary month of the miners strike and the inspiration for budding Billy Elliots, it is as well to reflect on the words of Mrs Thatcher: "A man who reaches the age of 26 without owning a car can be considered a failure."

Naming children, I firmly believe, should be covered by the child abuse laws.Oh what a laugh we had cooing and ahhing over a freshly opened bottle of Lambrini at the Christening of young Honi Bea, with not a thought to the torment ahead in the school playground.

Tesco has apologised, which is nice, for refusing to sell a woman a bottle of wine because she was shopping with her 14-year-old daughter and the staff thought she may be buying the wicked brew for the child's consumption.

A woman in America has been prosecuted for breast feeding her baby while speaking on a mobile phone.
Not offences in themselves but driving a car at the same time most certainly tips the balance of law.

At the weekend I watched rather a lot of football on TV. Haven't a clue why, I think I may be losing it.
Anyway the upshot is that professional soccerball has reached the depths of boring.

Although you would think the world of car making had gone totally cuckoo, the Geneva motor show opened its doors yesterday with most of the usual suspects offering a free lunch.

A new craze among young people is on line confessions under the the heading 25 Random Things.
Like Facebook, this has attracted middle-aged saddos keen to appear in touch with a generation that really wishes they would just die and free up some tables in Coffee Republic. Inevitably this includes MPs under the sub heading 25 random sycophantic attempts to look cool, you young dude type voter person.

This is the new Toyota Prius, car of the stars, green credential of caring celebs.

Right, this is not a joke. It is real and we should all feel for this man. He is vulnerable and a victim, get him some counselling, now.