VW Passat R36 road test - so hot your feet will catch fire

A quick glance throughthe deadwood of recent press releases suggests that topping our worry list should be the threat posed to emperor penguins by melting antarctic ice, subsequent hot feet and inappropriate nun jokes. Soon Scholl foot powder will replace krill at the top of the penguin shopping list. Have you ever had athlete's foot? I once enjoyed a really good pig's trotter.
Sorry but I am with Darwin on this one. Having evolved into a flightless duck with poor personal hygiene the species will no doubt cope in time with less ice underfoot. In support of this notion I would point out that these birds were doing rather well when I visited a Manx animal sanctuary, an island noted more for its deformed cats than glacial activity.
To further confuse things, on Question Time last week a woman from Dorking, or it could have been Mars, insisted that global warming will bring with it more snowstorms, yet this morning's newspaper says that by 2030 children will only know snow in the colloquial recreational drugs sense and that anyone going outdoors in Spain will burst into flames.
Better, then, to keep an open mind which is what took me to a crisp and even West Yorkshire where Honda had lined up a range of cars designed to travel to South Georgia and back on just the oil extracted from a kipper. There was even an economy challenge to emphasise this.
And here is the result. I was denied bottom spot only by the man from the Yorkshire Post who, as one glance at his hair will confirm, is a werewolf and therefore disqualified.
Better, I think, to draw attention away from the clear evidence that I have a touch like a shire horse by examining the forbidden pleasures of the VW Passat R36.
Racing to 62mph in 5.6 seconds and on to 155mph, the R36 looks as restrianed as puritan speed dating, giving little visual indication that under the bonnet is a 295bhp 3.6-litre V6 linked to a six-speed DSG gearbox. It is the quickest VW ever and yet, despite some trim changes and bigger tail pipes, looks no more threatening than a career in soft furnishings.
So, is there any point in paying £30,600, suffering band G taxation and hoping against hope to manage 30mpg if people in the street think you are driving a taxi?
Well, yes. For one thing when you hit the loud pedal no one will be left in any doubt about the R36's libido. Handling is aided by the 4Motion all-wheel-drive system and suspension stiffened to almost Audi levels. The result is entertaining and safe
Move inside and you soon see what makes the R36 the car for grown up enthusiasts. Fully kitted out as you would expect for the price, it has heated seats with 12-way driver adjustment, multi-function steering wheel with paddle shifts, every sensible electronic addition. There are many things to like and just the clumsy parking brake bell-push to dislike.
Not a car for those who feel they should be able to store a week's fuel in a damp dishcloth but definitely right for drivers who want to enjoy power and comfort without standing out like a penguin in a sauna.