August 2008 Archives

In Leeds, local authority tax bandits have struck a blow for polar bear health and safety by appointing a climate change officer.
This will bring the full might of the pork pie into the war against naughty people everywhere who are causing global warming by refusing to live in the pre-industrial age of covered wagons and ox carts. Buses and trains to you and me.
Trying to influence world climate from a town that can't even get a team into the CocaCola Championship is like trying to influence the solar wind with an Expelair. But at least the good people of the West Riding know where their money is being wasted.
Remember this was the city that stimulated the entrepreneurial spirit of its university students, who would charge 50p to be a hired passenger in a short, experimental, car sharing lane.
Local government is a series of contradictions. On the one hand it is unable to find the inclination or cash to empty your bins and on the other is deluded into thinking it can, depending on your point of view, reverse the cycle of nature or somehow negate the polluting influence of China, India or even my local kebab shop.
What all local authorities have a degree in is dreaming up ever more imaginative ways to spend your money bullying you.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage, in an incredulously short skirt and blinged down to the navel, Essex County Council.
The Sharon and Tracey Safety Partnership has started putting up signs warning that drivers could be speed trapped from a helicopter.
What? These things cost £26 a minute to keep in the air. There is no justification whatsoever in this expenditure when you could put more traffic cars on the road and actually detect a bit of bad driving and behind the wheel stupidity. To borrow from Gene Hunt's lines, with so many rozzers banged up in the station or worrying about paper work and diversity, forces struggle to detect even a nice packet of Garibaldis, never mind Wayne from sales tailgating like a randy mongrel.
And what about the effect on driver concentration? I rather like the idea of motorists looking at the road ahead not straining to see if they are about to be strafed by the republican guard.
Offenders will be 'skyshouted' on a public address system if they break the speed limit. Oh dear Mr Orwell, we simply did not listen to you, did we?
"Winston Smith, stay where you are."

From time to time news seeps out from under life's rock of useless information which makes holding your head up as a driver very difficult. As would be the case if the England front row ran out wearing ladies underwear, some people are letting the side down.
Are they not Mr Haberdashery-Counter of Yeovil who hired a car then left his pink, fluffy handcuffs in it?
The list of items left in borrowed cars is, frankly, worrying.
A man in Liverpool returned a car with one false leg in it. At the same time Europecar's Salford depot took back a car with ten odd shoes on the back seat. Coincidence? I think not.
Sometimes I am convinced that the reason our political masters want us all suffering in the fetid interior of an overpriced train or riding one of Satan's bicycles is so that they know there is not a man in Reading driving around with half a pint of beer and 'The Art of Speed Seduction', CD version, in his foot well. We can only hope he was not going to meet the driver from the same town who forgot to take with him an ammunition case and a military field stretcher.
How many 308s are used by hire car companies I have no idea but the pair of 50-inch waist knickers left in a vehicle hired in Sheffield would certainly suit its ample rear. Seldom has a car broadened its hips as surely as the 308. Were it an Olympic athlete it would be tested for steroids.
Not that this is a bad thing.The effect is an up-market presence on the road. What's more the diesel HDi Sport three-door has a trim quality that might shock some owners of more expensive cars. Long gone are the days when Peugeot interiors were inspired by famine.
On top of that it will return 52mpg driven with care.
Which shouldn't be all that difficult. The 'sport' bit is really only a serving suggestion. The two-litre engine ambles through a six speed gearbox to 62mph in 10.1 seconds and has a top speed of 129mph but as a good looking, accommodating family hatchback it fits the bill. It's a new gearbox and much, much improved.
Sport models come with good equipment levels including a steering column air bag, cruise control, ESP and a leather wheel. The white instrument matrix and black dials you really will like.
Not everyone can see eye to bulging eye with the 308's styling. My recommendation is to look past this and appreciate what you get for £17,000 without the sat-nav, phone and MP3 package.
If you do get behind the wheel of a 308, please behave yourself. A man in Liverpool left a pair of ladies shoes in a car he borrowed. The car's owners helpful rang his wife to tell her. You know what's coming next don't you? Yep, He's in trouble. She only has one leg.

audi

Faced with a subject like today's Audi it is tempting to burn up a few paragraphs writing about cheese, or how splendid it is that Gordon has gone to Southwold on his jollies, a far cry from the antics of his rictus-beaked predecessor, jetting off to enjoy a free one in Tuscany.
The most obvious topic would have been the Olympics but I have little interest in muscular women wearing tight knickers. And even less in similarly dressed men.
And is it really such a surprise that out of 1,321,851,888 billion-ish people, enough can be recruited to put on a large scale display of floodlit line dancing?
However all that must be put to one side to explain what the difficulty is in writing about the Audi A4 Avant 3.0 TDI Quattro. In brilliant red.
Apart from a name very nearly as long as Premier Wen Jiabao's speech to the National People's Congress it is just so damned good any copy is likely to appear penned by a man wearing an Audi cap on a free holiday to Beijing.
Audi's range does not so much fill niche needs as minuscule cracks in the plaster. In the UK over 159 models are available with a ast caralogue of trim variations. This is almost personal. The red TDI is in fact for Mr Cavendish Trouser-Presse of BR10 1KJ, will pay £30,300 for the basic. model.
This is almost all the cars you could ever want. Interior finish is superb with soft touch plastics and faux wood or alloy inlaid fascia.
It has performance, the V6 diesel turbo engine will top 150mph and the six-speed Avant reaches 60mph in 6.3 seconds. Yes, that's for a diesel estate car that also manages 40mpg and is in the 188gm/km tax band F.
On top of that it's a Quattro, so while that won't produce a gold medal in the synchronised mountain biking, there is some enhanced rough ground traction and superb grip on the road. Do not expect a spine-tingling driving experience. The TDI is hardly aimed at track day anoraks.
Rather it is a quality car with several potential benefits including carrying a fair load.
Of the extras, cruise control I would expect for nothing.The highlights are a sunroof which exposes as much sky as the Hubble telescope for £1,100, electric seats so versatile you can throw your Parker Knoll in the skip and a power operated tailgate which almost makes being old and infirm attractive.
There are also a couple of low cost options that make practical sense. The load area rail and fixing kit is only £150 but for mucky pups an £85 reversible boot mat is a godsend.
Well there you have it and it only remains to assure you I am not sat at the back of the main stand in a smog mask wearing an Audi rally jacket.

roony
Wayne Rooney

wing
A wing Mirror

A story is circulating that Mercedes-Benz has signed a £1 million contract making Wayne Rooney its new ambassador. Merecedes says this is not true.
The company said:"Mercedes-Benz has supplied a CL63 AMG Coupé to Wayne Rooney under a similar arrangement to those supplied to other high profile individuals in the world of sport. We never disclose details of individual arrangements but can confirm that the arrangement does not and will not make Mr Rooney an official representative of the Mercedes-Benz brand."
Reports had claimed the 22-year-old sealed a two-year deal last week and has already taken delivery of the car worth £121,200.
He has previously owned a Chrysler 300C so his endorsement is staying in the family.
I do not know what 'our Coleen' drives.
Anyway, ambassador or not, not a bad smoker for match days or training at The Cliff.
In fact, this may upset Ronaldo, who appears to have only a deal for a pram out of which he can throw his dummy.
In case there is any visual confusion he gets the whole car. The sticky-out bits are, in fact, the wing mirrors.

Events over the last week, no not the international school sports, have shown us that no matter how little ice is left for the polar bears, fossil fuels are a most important consideration in any future the world has.
As in if the Russians were to cut off our gas would we nuke Roman Abramovich?
I have always said that we worry too much about wet feet and the slow rise in tides when dependence on oil has the potential to end life as we know it in double quick time.
So we need to use less of it, while using taxes milked from motorists to replace it as number one fuel.
Consider, then, the following; Antonov Automotive Technologies estimates that its mechanical supercharger could be used to reduce the size of a car's engine by up to 50 per cent so it would use less fuel and produce fewer CO2 emissions, but still provide good performance.
Valeo of France, uses electromagnetic controls to open and shut valves instead of pushrods operated by a camshaft, can cut fuel consumption and CO2 emissions in a car by up to 20 per cent.
And Fiat's Multiair engine, due in about a year, will use hydraulics and electronics to optimise valve settings and be combined with a turbocharger in a two-cylinder engine that performs like a bigger four-cylinder one. Using 20 per cent less fuel.
Others are working on engines that can switch between four-stroke and two-stroke running which would improve fuel economy by 27 per cent over a traditional engine while reducing size and complexity.
The result may be a petrol engine car that easily achieves 100mpg. It's a start.
Alternatively we may be looking at real boom times.

bond

Ah, Mr Bond, I have been expecting you... but not in a small Ford hatchback.
The next Bond adventure, 'Quantum of Solace', will feature a cameo appearance from Ford's new Ka.
It will make its screen debut alongside the film's leading lady, Olga Kurylenko. Kurylenko plays Camille, a woman with her own personal mission and who quickly becomes an unlikely ally for Bond and suffers from an inability to keep her clothes on when he is around, a condition known by doctors as 'horny'..
The 'Quantum of Solace' Ka has metallic gold paint and an exclusive exterior graphics and interior trim combination.
Right, lets look at the way things are going. Firstly, cool actors like Connery, Moore and Brosnan have been replaced by a skinny guy who might well be a jobbing plumber. Then he gets a Mondeo in Casino Royale. Okay, so he's a rep. Or in the caravan club.
Now it's torture by blousey bird in a hatchback. Genius.
Any man who normally drives an Aston would rather have his cordobas cantabas flogged with knotted rope than accept a lift in a gold girly car. But then Daniel Craig has already sat through that one.

Further to the silliest names in the world, I followed an imported MPV badged Enima. Yes, I know the spelling is different but the sentiment remains the same.
Thought you should know.

sportwagon

There can be no other car maker that has stuck with a single marketing concept as long as Saab; it has wheels, it has seats therefore is clearly an aeroplane.
In fact let's call the top models 'Aero' and hope those dumb Anglo-Saxons don't think it's a chocolate bar.
However, simply calling yourself Sven Biggles is no longer enough in an increasingly complex marketplace.
The 9-3 SportWagon is a car for the thinking outdoor family, all fresh snow and nourishing lingonberries. Designed with Scandinavia in mind, which means it will be as safe as an Anglican church barbecue and have a fancy handling system to prevent over-familiarity with moose. Also useful in Wilmslow.
Considering the Nordic lands spawned the far from health and safety conscious Vikings, Saab lovers revel in knowing you can drive one of these cars head on into Jupiter and walk away unscathed.
Like Abba fans, repeat Saab owners have the warm and cuddly reassurance of always knowing what they are getting, from looks essentially unchanged since the dawn of Ingmar Bergman to an ignition still lurking between the front seats.
Externally the 9-3 could best be described as a bit more interesting than the last.
Then there is the turbo, always a turbo. Except in the case of the SportWagon 1.9 TTiD you get two.
This is billed as yet another safety feature, bringing a full-range boost to overtaking capability.Which can from time to time leave you compromised in other areas. So chassis design allows the car to steer with all four wheels and there's something called cross wheel drive, a traction system available on Aero models.
Ah, the turbos. Would you like to know about them or leave the room to make a cup of tea? This is a first on a diesel executive sector model. A smaller turbo pushes the engine to1,500rpm where the larger unit joins in, taking over entirely at 3,000rpm. Therefore 90 per cent of torque is available from 1,750rpm. Two sugars, please.
So, sport and wagon? Well the fastback profile reduces boot space and you may have to consider a smaller dog. However, this is a roomy compromise between saloon and full-blown estate car.
As for performance, hanging it out in corners is not what Saab ownership is noted for. Maximum velocity is 137ph and 60mph comes up in a respectable 8.3 seconds.
There will be more interest in the comprehensive technology-heavy equipment available for the basic £27,495.
That and an almost soporific drive. The SportWagon is more calming than valium. A sensation enhanced by almost 50mpg despite forgetting half the time it had a sixth gear.
In all then, the same steady comfort and quality Saab owners have come to expect with the technical innovation of the twin turbos. Situation normal, so please remain seated with your seatbelts on until the aircraft has come to a complete standstill.

As promised the daftest names to come out of the east

Daihatsu Rugged Field Sports Resin Top
Honda Life Dunk
Isuzu Big Horn
Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard

Mazda Autozam Carol MeLady
Mazda Bongo Brawny
Mazda Bongo Friendee

Mazda Proceed Marvie Will Breeze
Mitsubishi Canter Guts
Mitsubishi Mini Active Urban Sandal
Mitsubishi Mum 500 Shall We Join Us
Nissan Big Thumb Harmonised Truck
Nissan Cedric
Nissan Leopard J Ferie
Subaru Domingo Aladdin

Subaru Sambar Dias Astonish!!
Subaru Gravel Express and Bistro Vivio
Suzuki Alto Afternoon Tea
Suzuki Every Joy Pop Turbo
Toyota Estima Lucida G Luxury Joyful Canopy
Yamaha Pantryboy Supreme