Even before the last hardly known verse of Old Lang Syne had rung out, the one where Lang tells Syne that if they play their cards right the Scotlanders could be running England by 2008, the nation was apoplectic about rising train fares.
What has kept public transport disproportionately cheap compared to car ownership is a political will to have more people use it. A fine idea but so far as I can see, always doomed to failure.
The problem the train is not the lateness, or dirt or murderous gangs of hoodies. It’s the chattering:“Well I turned round and said he turned round and said that she said and then I turned round and told her….� Madam, you have now turned round so often to have screwed yourself through the carriage floor and bolted the train to the underside of Christmas Island.
At one station on my local line someone regularly appears to tip a lorry load of hens on board.
To drown out the incessant clucking other commuters turn up their personal music gadgets so now it’s broiler day at Bernard Matthews’ to a background of Take That.
Furthermore the train is exacerbating the current retail slump. There is only so much you can carry onto a train And that does not include a 36 inch television or flatpack Welsh dresser. For that you need the Volvo V70.
Volvos generally, especially the low-emissions five-cylinder diesel, are socially acceptable.
Firstly let there be no misunderstanding, the £30,745 V70 SE Lux is huge. A full size family really is needed. It would be quite feasible to hold a wedding reception in the passenger cabin while training a Labrador to retrieve in the load area. To that end there is even the option of a factory-fitted drop-down dog guard.
In fact bright spark ideas abound and while we are used to the notion that a crash in a Volvo is like waking up in a balloon dance, the brilliantly simple blind spot indicators that light up on the A-post when you are being overtaken are new to me.
There’s been some messing about with the interior decor but the V70 is till simple and practical.
There is a concealed tray below the boot floor that locks when the tailgate shuts, a forward-folding front passenger seat and rear headrests that dip automatically when the backrest is folded.
Considering it is almost as long as HMS Vanguard, the V70 is a surprisingly sprightly handler with a floating ride that’s slightly old-style Citroen. Without the bonkers bit. And it is quick, too reaching sixty in 8.9 seconds.
In manual or automatic the D5 pulls with enthusiasm and still manages over 40mpg. Unfortunately, though, you will come to notice this is not the quietest of diesels. Memo to Ford, speak to Audi.
So there it is. A practical family-friendly car so comfortable it’s almost worth getting pregnant for. It should prove most acceptable with the chattering classes.

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