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Steve Orme

Trinity Mirror Regionals Driving Force columnist STEVE ORME gives his take on everything from the car with the biggest cup holders (Ford Edge, 20oz) to congestion charges and how your money is spent getting toads safely across the road. It's motoring but not as you know it ...

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November 2007 Archives

Smart Fortwo road test- when in Rome it's a squeeze

Posted by Steve Orme on November 30, 2007 9:38 AM

To be born Italian and male is a full house in the bingo of life. To be born a petrol head and Italian is to win the national Friday night jackpot.
Italy’s love affair with the car is as torrid as ever. Here flat earthists stand about as much chance as a one-legged Christian in a Colosseum home game.
Any country where the police drive Alfa Romeos gets my vote.The Carabinieri has also turned to Land Rover products as four-wheel drive of choice. Which may anoint the Defender as the new Gianfranco Ferre of off roading. Personally, I will always think of it as Fred Dibnah.
Driving in Rome is for the brave. Crossing the road on foot is for the most brave.
Roman streets are a crazy as demolition derby day at the Circus Maximus, a perpetual race for pole position at the next set of lights, a frenetic contradiction - high speed gridlock.
The important thing is what chariots the modern Romans have chosen to race. Essentially they are small ones, specifically they are Smart cars.
Look, I know there are people in Jimmy Choo shoes and London estate agents driving ForTwos in the UK but honestly I have always wondered just where enough of these are sold cars to make production worthwhile. Now I know.
I give you the Smart ForTwo. Prago.
There have been rumours the DaimlerChrysler was about to axe Smart altogether after the ForFour and Roadster models failed to attract sales. The arrival of a brand new ForTwo in September seems to have scotched this one.
Fudamentally the concept remains the same, a fashionable city car for people in size eight and below. A car that can be labled cool, a car that had to be fitted to me like a suit of armour.
In fact the latest version has grown fractionally to give a little more cabin space, which translates into acceptable luggage capacity, bearing in mind you are only going to the shops.
Now, I‘m sure those of you familliar with Smart cars are expecting to read that the instrument layout has been modelled on a squid. But not so. If you think the inside of a Mini is clever you’ll like this one.
Right, let’s hit the road. Or rather let’s not hit anything. There is a clear sense of intimiation in some circumstances and you soon learn to drive defensivley and decisively. Performance is not relevant given the car’s home turf, a reasonable level of torque is.
As for ride quality, well it won’t ruffle your hair but road surfaces in Rome are not as smooth as the lounge lizards who drive on them.
As any Italian chap will tell you, style costs. The ForTwo is no exception coming in at almost £7,000 for the base 61bhp Mitsubishi engined model in a segment that has the Citroen C1-Peugeot 107 at £6,700 and what will be a similarly priced and oh-so-cute Fiat 500 joining it next year. On the other hand it will do 60mpg.
However, for now when in Rome join the fun. That’s parking at right angles on pedestrian crossings and bringing down the government twice a year.
smarty

Nut hammered in garage - workshop accidents and damaged tools

Posted by Steve Orme on November 28, 2007 9:13 AM

When it comes to easing a rusty bolt or seized engine part, 40 percent of men take a dirty great hammer to it.
The result is that 40 percent of chimp-fisted amateur grease monkeys risk injury in the garage.
According to car care firm Comma, men risk damaging their tools by whacking them with a hammer. Blimey.
They also tend to put a textured finish on any handy exposed body parts. This can lead to earache.
The ladies, conversely, are much less likely to hit the wrench, kick the spanner or put all their weight on a tool.
No, 62 percent would ask for help. Then go off and make a nice cup of tea for the paramedics when they turned up to treat the family spanner kicker.
What’s the daftest thing you have done in a workshop? I’ll accept everything from resting your glasses on a hot exhaust manifold to paying the bill without reading it. Comments please, fellow travellers.
stupid%20garage
Useful special tools for stubborn jobs

New look for Nissan Micra

Posted by Steve Orme on November 26, 2007 10:12 AM

The car that launched a thousand trips to the garden centre, the Nissan Micra, has a new look.
A huge favourite with fans of Terry Wogan it now gets a fresher, young shape.
The new look Micra includes a new design for the front grille, headlamps now incorporate a light blue tint and a less profound profile, making for a smoother design. A sports front bumper has been installed on the A new range of interiors for are available including a beige trim option. So it’s still going to match the standard retirement going out clothes.

Wholesome Saab road tested - it lets you step on the grass

Posted by Steve Orme on November 23, 2007 12:07 PM

YOU may have woken this morning worried about collapsing house prices or fearful of who will be voted off Saturday’s Celebrity Come Dancing but here’s the really bad news. It’s only five weeks to Christmas.
Bloatfest is now so close, dealers are openly pushing Slimfast on street corners.
You could try something different this year. A Swedish Christmas dinner.
For this you will require the following; mustard coated ham, smoked eel, air-dried cod, red cabbage, two types of pickled herring, a slice of delicious elk sausage, red cabbage and that old favourite, knackebrod.
New-Saab-9-3-Saloon-2.jpg

Now let’s dwell here for a moment. In temperatures that would cause stress fractures in an ornamental monkey, the Swedes choose to celebrate with cold fish and Ryvita. Meanwhile in semi-tropical Britain we are tucking into high-octane gravy and the traditional slow cooked sprouts.
The Swedish strength of identity shames our own mongrel indifference to roots. Roast turkey, for example, is American and sprouts, well where is Hercule Poirot from?
Swedish national identity is like their Christmas dinner, wholesome. The most controversial thing they ever exported was Abba.
Bringing us neatly, via an afternoon picking fresh lingonberries, to the Saab 9-3 bio-fuel.
Biofuel is a mix of petrol and ethanol derived from plants. Growing the veg converts carbon dioxide into oxygen, burning the fuel puts the CO2 back into the atmosphere to be photosynthesised again. There you have it, carbon recycling after the style of God.
This is not to be confused with chip fat diesel which is, er, diesel.
Furthermore carbon emissions from bioethanol are as much as 70per cent lower than those from petrol.
Now I know what you are thinking. Here we go again, another green machine that’s as sluggish as continental drift. This is where Saab claims to lead the way, by linking grass power to a turbo to produce the world’s first wholefood car that actually out performs the petrol version.
And that means what? Well the new two-litre six-speed 9-3 reaches 60mph in 7.6secs and has a top speed of 140mph. Typically power is increased by 20per cent.
Of course a biological action is not all there is to report on the latest 9.3. The £26,385 SportWagon has had a facelift. I think. But because it is a Saab, looks more or less the same.
It comes heavily equipped with devices to save your life and a leather steering wheel. The test car had eight grand of essential extras like electric leather seats, sat nav and a performance pack. Umm, I might not use the word bargain here.
As a drive it retains the antcipated solid Saab feel; a functional crisply designed interior, exceptional seats and handling you expect from a land of wandering elk and sub-zero winters.
So there you have it, a tasty organic Swedish treat that retains its strong sense of identity and shows that green need not be a dull colour. Merry Christmas.

Driving a used car bargain

Posted by Steve Orme on November 21, 2007 12:06 PM

Look, selling a car privately is about as stressful as bathing with a crocodile. I did it this year and won’t be doing it again. Well not until the next time anyway.
What is interesting is how far people will travel in response to your advert in Auto Liar or whatever publication you have used to stretch the fabric of reality. One careful owner, ha, I’ve seen you parking.
When I was flogging the MG one gaggle of blokes drove up from Stafford to Lancashire hot foot to beat a lad driving from Cannock. They then looked at the car and walked away because it did not have electric windows. You drove 70 miles to find that out?
There is, however, good reason to travel distances for a car. Price mainly. Average asking prices for used superminis vary by as much as 10 per
cent across the UK and the Midlands is currently the best place to go in search of a low-priced car.
Small three-year-old cars in the Midlands average £5,500. This is around £350 less than in the South West, where asking prices for second-hand
superminis are highest.
After the South West, the second most expensive region for used superminis is the South East, with East Anglia in third place, tracking slightly higher than the national average of £5,675.
I can tell one place you will never find a bargain. My house.

Off with the mad mullah's head

Posted by Steve Orme on November 19, 2007 11:41 AM

Rabid as a mental Jack Russell - part two.
If I had done anything as bad as Chief Con.Brunstrom, the copper dubbed the mad mullah of traffic policing, I would be sacked. End of. Don’t stop at the canteen on your way out.
He gets a tickle beyond the ear from the relevant police authority.
If you missed I what Mr Bluntstone did was address a meeting on traffic safety and slid in some wholesome images of a 40-yar-old family man decapitated in a motorcycle accident. Lovely.
Needless to say his family was furious at this macabre power point presentation.
This man has seemingly conducted a jihad against drivers for as long as anyone can remember. Clearly his judgement is now flawed by tireless and tiring persecution of the motorist.
Do the decent thing, man. Fall on your truncheon.

Audi A3 1.8 TFSI road test - bespoke example of German purity laws

Posted by Steve Orme on November 17, 2007 12:31 PM

At the end of the last century, Mercedes said it had a cunning plan to build a car for everyone.
Obviously not all the people in France, Germany, the Mafia and even parts of Todmordon. There was no intention to have 6.4 billion models listed in What Mercedes?
This policy could well have ultimately led to the recent postal strike.
Let me explain.
When Mercedes announced a car for all, someone at Audi took things personally.
So it, too set out to have a coat of many colours.
Which must really annoy my postman who most weeks has to deliver a press pack announcing that the Audi A4 Brian of Clematis Grove has been launched for a man in Chelmsford or that there is soon to be an A2 for a lady called Janice who shops at Waitrose.
I am sure that when the opportunity presented itself for quality time on picket duty he browsed Audi’s immediate launch plans and voted yes.
Currently I am reading a hefty tome on the A3 that was delivered by navy helicopter. It accompanies a 1.8 TFS Sport and tells me that the additional kit list is as long as the Amazon.
Standard spec includes designer alloy wheels, fabric front seats that adjust every which way, electric windows and mirrors, lots of airbags, ABS, EBD, ASR and EDL.There is central locking, crash active head restraints and many other things you have a right to demand for £17,295. This car also has leather heated seats, an iPod console and phone, among other extras that push the price to £22,905. A figure known locally as reasonable.
The story, however, need not stop there. You can turn your chosen version into the Audi A3 Dave From Accounts Mk1 by opting to change everything from the steering to adding a mini bar.
The list is almost endless. But not quite or you would never get it out on the road. Which would be a shame.
Powered by the new T engine the six speed manual 1.8 is quick at eight seconds to 60mph but not fast. It is economical at 40mpg. And so it should be for what is essentially a posh family hatchback.
There seems little point in discussing the interior because it’s an Audi and, under German purity laws, is as correct and well finished as a Prussian dress uniform.
There are those who would have you belive that Audi fabricates its suspensions from boulders. Which suggests I might have a particularly resiliant bottom because at no time did I fear my mouth would fall out.
Which may go some way to explaining slightly stodgy handling.
The A3 1.8T is what I would expect from a company I consider makes the most beautfully engineered cars in the world, an executive precision trinket. Stick that in a letter and post it.
audia3

Two strikes and you are out with new speeding penalty proposals

Posted by Steve Orme on November 15, 2007 12:37 PM

Look, I didn’t come up the river on a tea tray, RoadPilot is keen to warn you of possible new speeding legislation because it sells speed detector equipment but....
How much more of this do we have to take? For the love of spam fritters, Britain is not only the safest place to drive, walk, ride a bike and have public sex in Europe, it also has more cameras than Dixons. And anyway, traffic is now running so damn slowly speeding is viewed as a recreational opportunity
No matter, at the end of this month the Ministry of Love will have talks with the Ministry of Truth about tougher fixed penalty punishments for people speeding on Airstrip One.
In a nutshell there will be a two-tier system which lands drivers exceeding the speed limit with a massive six points and a £100 fine for driving at 45mph in a 30mph zone and pro rata up the scale. 94mph would be the threshold on a motorway.
So that’s two strikes and you are out. Banned, without a car, the driver formerly known as employed.
Angry? I’ve just bitten the postman.
Please, please can the powers of enforcement leave us alone and get on with what they do best. Shooting innocent Brazilians.
Sorry, must go now and wipe the foam off my lapels.
slogan
Driving bans are mobility

You are broken by the brokers in petrol price rise horror

Posted by Steve Orme on November 13, 2007 1:21 PM

The word in the City of London is that our current woes at the pumps, petrol more expensive than dancing girls, diesel acceptable as a wedding gift that sort of thing, are down to the genius of three commodities traders using something called the 'black box' system of betting on futures and buying up oil contracts.
Look, I will always defend the principle of free markets and people making a stash is fine by me. But this is almost clear and present danger for the nation. A fragile economic situation could be tipped by this one.
Anyway do you really think the government would stand by if people were starving in the streets because someone had bet on bread and a loaf was £10 a chuck?
In the US this could mean a visit from the men in black suits. After all, speculation on world oil reserves is the presdent's job.
I'm going to have a word with Harry off Spooks.
pet
station
The scene after one petrol station offered discounted fuel

So what is the legal limit? Don't ask a 24 year old

Posted by Steve Orme on November 12, 2007 2:24 PM

More than one in ten young drivers admits to driving under the influence of booze or drugs.
40 per cent repondents told a survey that after taking drugs they:"Felt fine."
Well no s**t. That is the general idea, removal of life's realities, ect.
31 out of every 100 think it is acceptable to drink and drive, 12 per cent take cocaine, 10 per cent are on ecstasy and 17 per cent chilled out on weed.
In addition many of those questioned did not know what the drink-drive limit was.
As for all the other drivers on the road who appear to have dined out at a pharmacy, they are just bad drivers.