The wheels have finally come off sanity.
It seems that far from global warming being the biggest threat to on-line shopping as we know it, it is fat kids. Young Pugsley Butterball can no longer get his shoes on over his puffed-up feet and will almost certainly pre-decease his parents leading to an huge population imbalance between young and old. Which in turn will be reflected in a world a shortage of Nissan Micras.
He will also put an intolerable strain on the NHS.
Obviously the answer is to start sending our pot-bellied piglets on long walks to the shops for a healthy cabbage, the wholesome food that saw us through two world wars and a full series of Barrymore.
Except that this apparently is the worst thing we can do.
Walking, it turns out, is four times more damaging to the ozone layer than driving a car. A brisk stride out will require you to eat 100 grams of protein which would generate 3.6kg of emissions in its production. The same journey by car would produce just 1kg of waste.
Added to that it seems the latest generation of G-Wiz Bang and hybrid cars are too quiet so young Bunter won’t hear them coming through the rolls of lard in his ears.
It appears then that the best thing our pubescent plumpers can aspire to is a Seat Ibiza Cupra. It is satisfyingly raucous, more environmentally friendly than a walk in the park and with a 0-60mph figure of 7.3 seconds fast enough to allow Jabba Junior see as much as he can during his sad, short life.
Seat bills the 1.8 20V Ibiza as young and certainly would not think of it as middle-aged spread. In fact it is possibly the least self indulgent of the hot hatches with only mere hints giving away its performance abilities.
Inside the Cupra is far from rock and roll. A fancy gear knob and, er, that’s it.
Sports seats, of course, but then you need those while enjoying the 143mph, five-speed, high calorie performance.
That’s not to say the Cupra is ill equipped, far from it. There’s a long list of equipment including performance features like racing brakes and ESP allied to sports suspension. With this come all the electric toys and security features you might want. Oh and a wide body makes this a very roomy small car.
So what sets the Seat apart from its considerably more expensive VW or Audi?
Well, largely the drab interior. At night with the standard red Seat back lit instruments it’s like driving Dracula’s cloak lining.
However, day or night, that same driving is great fun and as good as any of its Teutonic relatives.
So there you have it, the Ibiza Cupra, all fun and frolics and at £14,650 cheap enough to leave lots of money over for chocolate and hamburgers.

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