October 2007 Archives

IF there are two very real dangers in moden society it is the peril posed by traffic cones and the fictional literary figure, Harry Potter.
Put the two together and what have you got? Charlie Thomas.
Charlie was playing with his sisters while on a family day out and came across a traffic cone.
He thought it looked like Harry Potter's wizard hat and plonked it on his head.
The fire brigade took half an hour to remove the cone with cutting tools and pliers.
Later Charlie was described as ‘road ahead closed-access only’.

A US company has developed a car that can fly.
At the touch of a button the Transition from Terrafugia four-wheeled car extends a pair of wings either side of its main body.
Chief operating officer, Anna Mracek Dietrich, said: "It will take just a few seconds to transform and will be fully automated after the command is given in the cockpit. We're currently sold out for at least the first year, approaching the first two of production". At £74,000 they are cheaper tan a Range Rover
The prototype, which runs on super unleaded petrol, cruises at 120mph and lands at 65mph.
It is not clear if one of the marvellous Japanese cardboard toilets are fitted but if this is the case remember these facilities cannot be used during take off and landing.

WHAT a world of modern miracles we live in. On Tuesday NASA launched the space shuttle Discovery to attach Harmony, a low orbit bedroom, to the international space station.
Ha, so what? Not exactly the stuff of beam me up Scottie is it?
What we should celebrate is the announcement on the same day that the Japanese have invented an in-car toilet for those who don’t have the bottle to hold on.
Featuring a cardboard bowl, large plastic bag and even a modesty skirt, the idea is that you will pull over, that bit is important, and get into the back seat to gain instant, if unpleasant for other passengers, relief.
A spokesman for the company that made the car commode said: “It will come in handy during earthquakes.�
Well yes, there’s nothing quite like an earthquake for loosening the bowel.

No caption required

I hold no brief for Ewan McGregor, the ebullient Scottish film actor.
In fact I don’t even hold a grudge against him for being a trainspotter, which I understand is the case.
Rather I commend him to the house for declaring he will move abroad if Britain continues down the road of interference in private matters, Big Brother prying into our lives and especially state nannyism.
He’s right. Health and safety is out of control. It is amazing we are world conker champions this year considering how children no longer get a grounding in the sport thanks to school playground bans.

If you ask me that rugby lark looks a bit rough, we should ban that, too. And as for Formula One. Well breast is clearly best.
Mr McGregor has recently completed an epic motorcycle ride across Africa and, happily, was not fatally killed or eaten by a snake.
He cites incidences where he saw garage attendants filling up vehicles with petrol while smoking a cigarette.
The is just the sort of pioneering adventurism missing from Britain today. Although I have got a friend who was once asked to weld a leaking petrol tank.

A Banbury senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to
90mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day sir" said the policeman.

IF George W Bush invaded Iraq to protect America’s oil interests then he failed.
The country is crawling with GI grunts and their obnoxious crap - sorry, rap - music yet petrol prices are both set to burst like a rusty pipeline through the £1 barrier. In fact diesel is already over a quid a litre.
All this because the market got the jitters when Kurdish rebels wandered across the northern frontier to snot a few Turkish soldiers.
The people who really want snotting are the wobbly-legged, caffeine-hyped shysters of the world markets who habitually throw a whitey whenever a camel farts, or in this case, some kebabists have a bit of a fracas outside the shop.

Special security adviser Jed Clampett

US security council in session

America invades...anywhere

'Latest figures from the Society of Motor Manufacturers and Traders (SMMT)
indicate that research conducted at the end of last year, which predicted that
black would replace silver as the most popular car colour, is beginning to come
true.'
The Lord be praised. We are saved. If this, given the barrage of abuse and taxation levied on drivers, is the best we can do in terms of research then we are certainly fiddling while Rome blazes.

The wheels have finally come off sanity.
It seems that far from global warming being the biggest threat to on-line shopping as we know it, it is fat kids. Young Pugsley Butterball can no longer get his shoes on over his puffed-up feet and will almost certainly pre-decease his parents leading to an huge population imbalance between young and old. Which in turn will be reflected in a world a shortage of Nissan Micras.
He will also put an intolerable strain on the NHS.
Obviously the answer is to start sending our pot-bellied piglets on long walks to the shops for a healthy cabbage, the wholesome food that saw us through two world wars and a full series of Barrymore.
Except that this apparently is the worst thing we can do.
Walking, it turns out, is four times more damaging to the ozone layer than driving a car. A brisk stride out will require you to eat 100 grams of protein which would generate 3.6kg of emissions in its production. The same journey by car would produce just 1kg of waste.
Added to that it seems the latest generation of G-Wiz Bang and hybrid cars are too quiet so young Bunter won’t hear them coming through the rolls of lard in his ears.
It appears then that the best thing our pubescent plumpers can aspire to is a Seat Ibiza Cupra. It is satisfyingly raucous, more environmentally friendly than a walk in the park and with a 0-60mph figure of 7.3 seconds fast enough to allow Jabba Junior see as much as he can during his sad, short life.
Seat bills the 1.8 20V Ibiza as young and certainly would not think of it as middle-aged spread. In fact it is possibly the least self indulgent of the hot hatches with only mere hints giving away its performance abilities.
Inside the Cupra is far from rock and roll. A fancy gear knob and, er, that’s it.
Sports seats, of course, but then you need those while enjoying the 143mph, five-speed, high calorie performance.
That’s not to say the Cupra is ill equipped, far from it. There’s a long list of equipment including performance features like racing brakes and ESP allied to sports suspension. With this come all the electric toys and security features you might want. Oh and a wide body makes this a very roomy small car.
So what sets the Seat apart from its considerably more expensive VW or Audi?
Well, largely the drab interior. At night with the standard red Seat back lit instruments it’s like driving Dracula’s cloak lining.
However, day or night, that same driving is great fun and as good as any of its Teutonic relatives.
So there you have it, the Ibiza Cupra, all fun and frolics and at £14,650 cheap enough to leave lots of money over for chocolate and hamburgers.

The latest version of the highway code is an admirable work of diversity and inclusiveness which at a stroke will end child obesity and alleviate climate change as we started the week discussing.
However, for those who dream of a more gentle age here are some extracts from the original tome:
Do not pull up alongside a constable on point duty in order to ask him a question which other people could answer
"As a responsible citizen you have a duty to the comm
unity not to endanger or impede others in their lawful use of the King's Highway," it said.
The code warned children of the dangers of the road and offered advice on how to avoid them.
"Never take a risk in the hope or expectation that everyone else will do what is necessary to avoid the consequences of your rashness"
There was guidance for dealing with the police: "Do not pull up alongside a constable on point duty in order to ask him a question which other people could answer. His full attention is required for his duties."
Does your head go to the top of that hat?
"Remember that your horn is intended to be used as a warning and an indication, if needed, of your presence on the road," it also stated sternly. "It should not be used as a threat."
Motorcyclists were warned that "sudden noisy acceleration is unnecessary and disturbing".
Pedestrians were urged to "look right and left and satisfy yourself it is safe to cross" before
crossing a road.
Rotate the whip above the head; then incline the whip to the right or left to show the direction in which the turn is to be made
It might seem obvious on today's busy roads, but people were advised: "Do not stand about in the road, especially in groups, at blind corners or other dangerous places."
There was even a section on dogs, in which owners were told: "Keep your dog on a lead when walking along roads where traffic is heavy.
"A dog running loose in traffic is a danger to itself and to everyone else."
Drivers of horse-drawn carriages were told: "Rotate the whip above the head; then incline the whip to the right or left to show the direction in which the turn is to be made."
Today's Highway Code costs £2.50 but in 1931 it would have set you back just one old penny.


Use your horn with consideration

A Swiss driver caught speeding in a Canadian highway has blamed his actions on the absence of goats on the roads.
The man was caught driving at 161 km/h (100mph) in a 100 km/h (60mph) zone.
A traffic officer's notes said the Swiss driver had said he was taking advantage "of the ability to go faster without risking hitting a goat".
I suggest you try speeding in Switzerland and claiming you were encouraged by an absence of Mounties on the roads.
Or litter.
Or excitement.

Goat speed trap officers lie in wait

A new Goatso camera