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Steve Orme

Trinity Mirror Regionals Driving Force columnist STEVE ORME gives his take on everything from the car with the biggest cup holders (Ford Edge, 20oz) to congestion charges and how your money is spent getting toads safely across the road. It's motoring but not as you know it ...

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September 2007 Archives

No s**t Sherlock... an irregular look at the art of stating the bleedin' obvious

Posted by Steve Orme on September 30, 2007 9:25 AM

“This has been the worst year in living memory for used convertible
values,” comments Adrian Rushmore, Managing Editor at
EurotaxGlass’s.
Er, now why is that? War in Iraq? Slump in US demand for pig bellies or months and months of good old British summer rain?
Well accoding to the buyers' guide that has an itzy-bitzy bit to do with it but mainly sales were affected by:“An all-time high of 116,000 new convertible
registrations in 2004 - almost 20 per cent up on 2003 - a substantial
number of additional used three-year-old examples will have reached the
used market during 2007. These additional volumes will have played a
significant role in subduing prices of second-hand models.”
“In addition, since 2003 sales of new convertibles have consistently
exceeded 100,000 units, leading to increased volumes of younger cars
being available for sale, again keeping prices in check.”
So there you have it. What stoped you buying a drop-top this year, the need to spend money on a boat and a house on stilts or a load of marketing b*****ks?
convertible
This summer's must-have convertible extra - rubber rings

Middle England's middle of the road car

Posted by Steve Orme on September 28, 2007 9:50 AM

TO ease the shortage of affordable homes the government plans to take unproductive lakes and rivers, so called blue field sites, and build many thousands of affordable flood disasters on them.
Since 1997 property values have increased by 156 per cent and salaries by 35 per cent.
It seems aspiring home owners can either choose a sturdy two-man tent from Halfords or one of the government’s splendid new ‘affordable’ hovels at the bottom of a pond.
Apart from some towns where a person would only choose to live if hell was full, the cheapest homes now cost four times the average salary. Generally the price is 11 times this figure. Or ‘a lot’ as you may know it.
In comparison cars have become more affordable.Young people can expect to afford a new or nearly new car in most circumstances but at best can only hope to park it in a bed of water lilies.
Which brings us damply to the Toyota Auris.
This is a middle England, middle income sort of car for people who can afford something in brick which is both dry and fully insurable.
Let us look at the 2.2-litre T180 D-4D which crosses an element of sporting fun with the baby seat sensibleness of chinos and Ikea cutlery.
It has, for instance, a push button, keyless start and six gears to reassure dad that his Hamilton days are not quite over. On the other hand the nine air bags and 45mpg, tells mum they are.
This is a radically important engine. 60mph comes up in eight seconds sailing on to 130mph of catalyst aided super-clean performance.
At the same time handling is sure and solid, helped by an electric power steering system that reduces lock-to-lock turns. Really sweet.
As far as equipment is concerned the T180 is a fully fitted kitchen. All versions have air conditioning, remote locking reclining rear seat and driver’s knee airbag. Add to this cruise with limiter, automatic wipers and lights, electric heated mirrors, sunroof, quality audio with repeater controls along with comprehensive security and the 2.2-litre makes good sense at £18,400.
Until you get in it.
This is a car I really wanted to drive. It has great looks, brilliant engineering and is good value. So who had the bright idea of fitting the plastic Goth guitar as a centre console? And that hand brake button. Could it have been made to look any cheaper?
Toyota says the Auris will capture sales from downsizing prestige brand owners. I’ll be surprised if man Lexus owners want to own this celebration of the art of injection plastic moulding
I had great expectations of a not-so-rich man’s Lexus. Sadly I was as disappointed as someone who finds his new home is built in a ditch.
auris%20for%20blog

We are the champions

Posted by Steve Orme on September 26, 2007 4:52 PM

The 50 millionth tyre has rolled off the production line at Continental’s most modern European tyre factory. The Romanian factory in Timisoara manufactures tyres in 13”, 14”, 15” and 16” rim size for the European replacement market as well as for a wide range of manufacturers from the automotive industry.
My heartfelt congratulations.
You may be aware of Continental as a sponsor of the Champions League. I take the adorning of this landmark tyre in my picture below to be a good omen, endorsing the likelyhood of Liverpool FC becoming this season’s champions of Europe. Again.
50%20millionth%20tyre.jpg

Danger, children crossing

Posted by Steve Orme on September 25, 2007 1:26 PM

Even in China , authorities are keen to halt the planet-threatening menace of the school run.
A bridge is to be built in a Chinese village where children are forced to James Bond it cross a raging torrent on a steel cable to get to school.
Nearly 500 children, from Maji village in Fugong town, Yunnan province, cross the most dangerous stretch of the Nujiang River each day.
The only difference between this and your local primary school is the lack of a footbridge
They fasten themselves to the cable with a metal carabiner and a rope and slide across the 200 metre wide canyon.
Now the next time you go to get in the Rav4 to drive half a mile across your killer village in the Cotswolds, just spare a thought for Chinese kids who face the stark choice between a live TV stunt every day or a bicycle when the bridge is built.
china
Room for one more upstairs
bikekids
British children enjoy a practical lesson in third world life
fasterrun Late for school? Not any more baby!

Vote for anyone and look a prat

Posted by Steve Orme on September 24, 2007 11:59 AM

In Tomorrow Never Dies, if you look closely you will see a three wheeled pickup that I feel is the answer to all our car taxation troubles.
You will have noticed that no matter what the political flavour, New Labour, Old Tories, Obviously Bonkers Lib-Dems, all parties plan to spank car owners with the fervour of a dodgy Victorian schoolmaster.
With a 600cc engine the Daihatsu Midjet would not only come road tax free but any government, accepting the Lib-dems would only get in if the vote was restricted to people called Ming, would be compelled to fabulously reward owners under their going green policies.
I include below some pictures that clearly show the only cost to the motorist keen to save the world is that he or she will look a right plantpot.
daihatsu
One seater with room for shopping in the back
bond
Ah, Mr Bond, see something horrible happens to his car

No s**t Sherlock

Posted by Steve Orme on September 21, 2007 12:47 PM

An irreglar new feature highlighting the bleedin' obvious...


HertfordshirePolice advice notices: Do not commit crime! Presumably because it is against the law.
All petrol must be paid for! Clearly plod has no knowlege of motoring journalism.

Sven and Olga go to the seaside

Posted by Steve Orme on September 20, 2007 12:14 PM

YOUR car may say a lot about you but so do the customer magazines that come with it.
Renault, for instance, seldom publish a customer quarterly without paying tribute to la belle France’s number one talent. No, not the menage a trios, cooking.
This I find strange. You would not make much of a living selling motoring columns to Practical Egg Whisk or the Food and Drink magazine so what has haute cuisine got to do with the Megane Scenic?
Similarly while Horse and Hound would rightly be expected to feature international polo you are also likely to read quite a lot about it in the Audi magazine.
What then of the man on the Clapham Omnibus reading the Volvo magazine?
Volvo life through the pages of Volvo magazine; earnest, thoughtful and safer than a First World War condom.
To be seen driving an SUV around town these days brings the same stare of disapproval you would get smoking in an infant school. Or indeed smoking an infant.
Bringing us to the subject of schools and the XC90. You will, without a doubt, be glared at for taking your kids to the county primary in something as big as this. What I suggest is that you take your neighbours’ sprogs along too and keep six little hatchbacks off the road.
You see the XC90 is a true seven seater with room remaining for shopping or the dogs. If anything makes clear the Swedish obsession with design, this is it.
Good seats from front to back add a luxury feel and because the Swedes recognise substance as well as style the heater, radio and navigation controls can all be accurately operated wearing a pair of stout gardening gloves. If that’s your thing.
Time now for the open road. Power is from a 2,500cc D-series engine that reaches 118mph via a sedate 11 second 0-60mph figure if you choose the six-speed semi-sequential automatic gearbox. If you want to chase the clouds go for the V8 petrol at £46,000.
At £37,000 without extras like tinted windows and third row air conditioning this is an aspirational car but also common sense. It competes with the Audi Q7, which has less luggage space and the Land Rover Discovery which makes you as popular as a whale meat barbecue at an animal rights conference.
If there is a problem it is a turning circle only rivaled by Battle Star Gallactica.
And what does the XC90 say about the person who drives it? You are not a communist.
volvo
Volvo XC90

Yes minister

Posted by Steve Orme on September 19, 2007 10:09 AM

Production of the new Mini Clubman, a name to strike terror into the heart of anyone who remembers the first bag of pipes, a car about as attractive as a bus driver’s hat, is underway.
It was welcomed by none other than the Rt Hon Stephen Timms, Minister for Competitiveness. He said: “Welcome.” He also said: “Nice to meet you,” and “hello there.”
Excuse me, how long have we had a Minister for Competitiveness? Does he send out nasty letters if the England tail end collapses or Rooney has a ‘mare?
Why not a Minister for Being Polite or one responsible for getting people out of bed in the morning.
Got it! Minster for Silly Walks.
the%20new%20clubman
The new clubman
the%20old%20clubman
The old clubman
minister%20for%20silly%20walks
The Minster for Silly Walks

Impreza WRX saves the world

Posted by Steve Orme on September 18, 2007 10:33 AM

Subaru’s new Impreza looks like it has been designed by Barbara Cartland. It’s come over all girlie and pink.
To the extent, in fact, that I was going to write it off. Sad loss but there you go.
But what is this? Is it a hoodie? A tattooed lady or the new WRX Turbo due out in November? Praise the Lord, we are saved! Because not only has it got a more powerful 2.5 turbo engine, it is £1,102 cheaper than the last model at £19,995.
Roll on next spring when the WRX STI goes on sale.
impreza
Is a nice!

The case for higher fuel costs

Posted by Steve Orme on September 17, 2007 10:20 AM

If I had come up the river last night in a banana box my feet would be wet. They are not.
So I won’t be taken in by eco-tosh and bull spouted by quango members fresh from an agreeable long lunch.
Motorists, according to the Commission for Integrated Transport, must accept that unless fuel prices go up constantly the world will end two weeks on Saturday. Oh, and stick to the 70mph limit on the motorway to reduce greenhouses or something.
I would love to do a steady 70mph on the M6 but some goat breath in Whitehall has it dug up half the time causing polluting traffic jams.
Learners should also be taught ‘eco-driving.’ Sorry? You mean driving along after the style of a tree?
I’ve said it before, if you want to reduce carbon burning turn down the heating in offices and suggest staff invest in a sensible pullover and reduce the volcanic average temperature in shops.
Better still ban shopping.
mr%20creosote
Another hard afternoon before the committee

Wheels come of F1

Posted by Steve Orme on September 16, 2007 10:28 AM

So, the wheels appear to have come of Formula One because McLaren have been very competitive and naughty, one might even describe it as cheating.
Obviously nothing like this could possibly happen in, say, football. God bless En-ger-land.
However let us, for a brief moment, dwell on some cynical analysis of the $100m fine and let off for this years two star drivers. That’s as in they are both stars, not two-star.
Question one: Will the money go into the coffers of the governing body or to a worthy cause?
Question two: While totally innocent of any wrong doing both Hamilton and Alonso may have benefited from the spying ‘crime’ through better cars. So were the drivers let off because to stop them racing would have destroyed the season?
I can also reveal exclusively what the secret document found in McLaren’s chief designer's house was - a revolutionary Ferrari researched Jamie Oliver recipe for lightweight pasta alla Norma.
pasta%20norma
The lightweight pasta alla Norma as pictued in the Ferrari document
fat%20man
This is what the pasta is designed to avoid
fat%20ladies
Other teams would be left with less competitive designs for their cars
vegetarian%20option
Vegetarian option
mickymouse
Of course I'm taking the story seriously

Living in the past

Posted by Steve Orme on September 14, 2007 9:50 AM

IN its original manifestation, the VW Beetle succeeded in dominating the world long after its sponsor Hitler took the fast elevator to hell.
The question is, why? Honestly, the only reason I could imagine people embracing this bag of spanners well into the late 20th century would be fear of jackbooted execution. But Adolf lost and Alec Issigonis designed the Mini so drivers were obviously deafening themselves in this D cup-shaped folkmobile voluntarily.
Along with the 2CV, it was a clear example of how mind-expanding drugs were damaging the youth of the hippy generation.
what%20a%20bueaty
Oh, how lovely. Not
Below; It's the future
peopples%20car

It is astounding how many people hark back to the days of Morris Minors, Humbers and other post war scrap. It’s like praising surgery before the advent of anaesthetic or penicillin.
The latest news is good for those who long for the return of black and white television. The Reich may be long gone, the hippies contemplating pensionable age and gardening but the ‘people’s car’ is back.
Ein volk! Ein Frankfurt Motor Show! Ein clever idea from Volkswagen!
With a basic price of £4,000 when not sold in Europe and about £5,000 where it is, the new VW runabout with no name will have a small capacity rear mounted engine capable of 100mpg and is likely to maintain the anti-decadence stand of the Beetle by featuring a back seat totally unsuited to sex.
In two years time VW aims to start sales in India and China where the competition is the Dacia Logan and a new domestic model costing £1,400 made from old kettles.
Now, without a doubt, is the time to build cars specifically for people who know nothing about cars.
Cars, you see, are not cool. However the cost of a home leaves little over at the end of the month and the need to service a large mortgage over a million years concentrates the mind on getting to work on time. So trains are out.
So a reliable VW for under five grand that has very low emissions and sips petrol is going to be tax effective, cheap to run and drier than a space hopper.

Tyres wind up

Posted by Steve Orme on September 13, 2007 1:37 PM

I hear a story, one that makes me very unhappy.
The owner of a Nissan X-Trail took her car to a discount tyre outlet for two new rubbers on the front.
Oh no, my dear, she was told, as this is a 4x4 you have to get all four replaced or the differential will be damaged.
What a lot of total, misleading, bunkum bordering on con artistry.
This is not the case If tyres on the same axle are the same size. Mix the sizes up and the diff thinks you are in a perpetual corner and overheats. If tyres on any axle match you will have no problem.
Should you have the same stunt attempted on you or yours let me know.
None of which is funny, but this is:
They couldn’t fit Pavarotti’s mourners into the hearse that turned up.
So they sent for a Nissan Dorma.

There's a moose on the loose

Posted by Steve Orme on September 12, 2007 9:11 AM

I am indebted to a Ms H. Shaw of Merseyside for what she claims is a genuine picture of a road sign north of the border in Glen Goolie or somewhere. Er, nice try you maddist.
hazel.jpg

Getting the measure of the EEC

Posted by Steve Orme on September 11, 2007 10:43 AM

A great day for our imperial heritage. Herr Fartunfurter of the European department of upsetting the English has declared that we may keep our pints, pounds and miles. The kilometre is no longer running on enforced metric measurements.
Huzzah! Cry God for England, Harry and St George.
Can we have our petrol priced in gallons again please? That’ll bring home the extent of each price rise.
Actually it’s a damned nuisance. I had just got used to telling Spanish lorry drivers how far it was to the tomato farm in meters.
python.bmp
An official French government statement on the decision

Signs of the times

Posted by Steve Orme on September 10, 2007 2:47 PM

Schools are back in business and this week we are have full flow, or not full flow which ever way you want to look at it, on the roads.
It is amazing just how many cars reappear when the sprogs are back in class.
And how many people think it’s important all other drivers know the car in front is carrying the fruits of someone’s loins if not their lions.
Baby on board? How cruel is that? For heaven’s sake take it off the plank and carry it in a cot.
Most nauseating is little princess on board. Oh please, give it a rest.
Perhaps the time has come for numb driver on board or excuse my driving I’m concentrating on the kids.
These last two are real: beware driver asleep at wheel and on the back of a Vitara: problem with my driving ring 234567 and then **** off. Now that one should be an offence.
sticker
Well, you tell me what it means

This page contains an archive of all entries posted to Driving Passion in the September 2007. They are listed from oldest to newest.

August 2007 is the previous archive.October 2007 is the next archive.

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