June 2007 Archives

The arrival in Number 10 of Golden Brown cannot pass without some mention.
Change, change, change has replaced education, education, education as the Labour mantra.
Er, so let’s have a look at what that might mean for drivers. Ah, yes, more of the same.
As chancellor, Dr Finley dispensed the most bitter of motoring taxation pills under the guise of saving the world or growing better highland heather or some such garbage.
Yes, without a doubt there will be change. It’s all you will have left in your pocket.

A young Gordon Brown struggles to establish contact with planet Michael Foot

Gordon Brown calculates the income from his revolutionary new car door tax.

The aliens are coming....via some really good stuff at Glastonbury. In fact this is not the aftermath of a blue book incident. Neither is it an experimental road system proposed by the Naked Cyclists Association. It's what happend when a driver high on cocaine took a detour in Dussen, Holland.

IF you reckon the concept of an electric Mini Cooper is as mad as tinned cheese what about one with wheels that can think?
Although the driver remains in charge behind the wheel this new system allows the car to learn about roads.It will read bends, hazards and eventually recognise Lycra in combination with a bicycle saddle and launch a drone attack aircraft to deal with the problem. Actually I made that last bit up.
Interestingly it will do 150mph with the aid of four wheel mounted motors. That’s one hell of a speed to be flying around in silence.
Hopefully it will also understand that when it sees a pothole none of its road tax will ever be spent repairing the surface.

What with naked cycling breaking out the length and breadth of Britain and the Airline Pilots Association saying don’t blame us for global warming, it’s people on holiday in Cornwall, rage is abroad. And also at home.

Bad manners is the biggest cause of roads rage in Britain according to a recent survey

78% said that they had been involved in a road rage incident, with 27% saying that the initial road rage had lead to a physical attack; yet only 5% had then reported the incident to the police. Most said they had kissed and made up with their partners and never mentioned the big bottom thing again.

Here are the top ten causes of on the road annoyance.

1. Bad manners
2. Traffic Jams
3. People sitting in the outside lane on motorways
4. White van men
5. Road works
6. Poor indication
7. Drivers driving too close
8. Women drivers
9. People on their mobile phones
10. Sunday drivers
My most annoying annoyance that makes me annoyed is none of the above. It’s surveys trotted out every year showing nothing except drivers’ socks has changed.

Malcolm got really cross when the little birdy pooped on his car

So the Sweeney has had a word with that loveable Cockney soccer veteran Ted (The Hat) Sherringham.Cor blimey gov, strike me pearly pants.
Tel Boy has had his tie-ups felt on the subject of swopping speeding points with West Ham team mates to avoid the drop into League Three Month Ban.
I know some people do this but don’t think Shel Boy would.
What a great Idea this would be for football as a whole. Three games to go, relegation looming and you borrow some points of one of those perennial mid-able teams that must be as much fun to support as a family of ten.
Passing on points has become common place. Swinton Insurance recently surveyed UK drivers to find out how many people would ask a friend or relative to accept penalty points on their behalf to avoid a driving ban - with 12 per cent of drivers admitting they would swap points.
The truth is that drivers will pay fines gladly but feel penalty points are too easy to earn and a punishment too harsh when they cost continued employment. Yes, I know the best thing is not to break the speed limits but, well you people in glass houses.
Next you will be able to sell spare space on your licence on ebay.

Yesterday's lobby claim that cycling naked was good for the planet brought swift reaction. British United Motorists Society (BUMS) claimed the protest ride had raised methane emissions in the South East by as much as 'a lot' . A spokesman also questioned the sexual and public order implications of riding naked on a thin saddle.

A committee member from the British United Motorists Society checks a cyclist for greenhouse gas emissions

If you find the sight if Lycra stretched tightly over the wobbling rump of a cycle-mentalist disturbing consider yourself lucky not to have been in Brighton at the weekend when a helmet (collective noun just coined) of unreconstructed hippies rode naked.
Ugh.
Duncan Blinkhorn, 45, no seriously, one of the organisers of the seven-mile Brighton ride, said: "This is a fun if outrageous way to make the serious point that we should not have to tolerate roads, cities and a planet dominated by the brutishness of cars that routinely foul the air we all breathe.
"Bikes and naked bodies harm nobody. Car fumes are driving us all to climate chaos."
Well they are not are they and every time I see this out and out lie given an airing I will point out that car emissions are a tiny part of the picture. Certainly no more the cause than mammal flatulence.
There are several threats to the planet and among the biggest is the huge white noise effect of the green movement and of people unable to make a stand of their own, frightened not to follow the latest chattering class fashion.
The overwhelming babble of knock-kneed prohibitionists is drowning out the few voices that are asking hey, if it is happening like it has before man even existed to take the blame, what are we doing to bring our huge technologies to bear on protecting from climate any effects?
The answer, by the way, is nothing.
Instead we are falling foul of viciously smug extremists who will not rest until we all live on wholemeal porridge and travel no further than two miles from the communal tee-pee.
We all rush to the parade but no one dare ask if the emperor is wearing any clothes.

Funky, in the sense of hey, wow this is a funky little car, is something I hate more then wet feet.
Look, Earth Wind and Fire could be described as funky, Sly and the Family Stone also but not some camped, camp little car simply because it was designed by lads in ripped jeans who think Mika can sing.
Enter the Daihatsu Materia. As in Madonna I’m A Materia Girl. Not.
Here are its attractive, gosh how will live without them, features. Black acrylic interior. Blue lighting in the arm rests. Circular front door speakers. Er, that’s it.
£11,000, please sir.

The word, apparently, is funky. The seaside village is unknown but has certainly never been funky.Perhaps it's garage.

A scorchio weekend, Borat leotards and fresh white blubber rolls all over.
And nose to tail on the roads.
I will never understand what comes over people who spend all week in traffic or worse still panting like a sick dog on trains that would shame a tenko sweatbox and then do the same thing all over again it the weather gets half decent. Is it really that important to have sand in your egg salad?
Clearly the urge for open spaces is too strong to resist. So here are some handy hints for those who feel the need to visit the beach or the countryside. Especially the countryside near me.
First the beach. In 90 per cent of cases the best sunblock you can use is a large hessian sack. The average British swimsuit wearer would only make a centrefold in Exchange and Mart.
In Britain we are fortunate enough to have no roaming wild animals like lions and tigers that need to be scared away. Therefore it is pointless driving around with your sub-woofa hanging out of your graphic equaliser and the volume at mach 3.
Unless you want to attract a really angry bear.
Me.

Some men from London have been taken away on the naughty boys’ bus for stealing cars by taking keys or holding up the owners going about their lawful business.
There has, of course, been a subsequent , almost fatal, stampede of press officers keen to explain why this could not happen to any car they promoted.
Which of course it could.
An especially big ‘well done’ to all those who suggested window etching as a deterrent to men prepared to wave a gun about in order to steal your car.
Yes, many of these villains have been on the phone to express their terror: “Window etching? The games up guv. It’s lawnmowers for me now,� said one chummy in a hooped jumper and masquerade ball mask.
What was suggested, quite sensibly, was that our car indexing system is easy to fiddle. Cloned plates being used to dodge fines and commit crime.
Certainly registering the car rather than the owner is open to abuse and makes for a paper chase. Why not give a newly-passed learner a registration number for life against which tax, insurance and mot records could be stored on computer?
As for the huge increase in lawn mower theft, I am a victim.
On Sunday I left a defunct machine on the boundary of my land until the Citroen C6 - such a big car, such a small boot - test car had room in it for a tip trip. Two hours later someone had nicked it.
If only I had got its windows etched.

Both mowers were past their best and perhaps it was time for Steve to give up growing his annual crop of miniature estate agent signs