Right, no sooner had I complained about the amateur hour habits of many drivers than a man old enough to be my grandfather’s best mate at school carves me up in an undertaking move that defied the laws of physics.
With this in mind today sees the start of an occasional educational quiz to help smooth the pothole poxed highway of modern motoring.
1. You are on the motorway keeping two chevrons between you and the bright yellow metrosexual Porsche Carrera in front when it takes off at 130mph. Do you:
a.Tut loudly and check your own speed.
b.Wonder if he is an undercover police officer investigating gay hate crime.
c. Shout yee-haa and clog it to ensure you adhere to Highway Code advice and keep the two chevrons between you and the Porsche.
2. On the way to an important sales conference at the squash club you encounter slight congestion with the traffic moving at 60mph. Do you:
a. Drop off and wait for conditions to improve.
b. Turn on your radio traffic advice to be kept informed.
c. Get as close as possible to the last car in the queue, flashing your lights and shouting while steering with your knees and dialling your squash partner on a mobile.
3. When such manoeuvres are prohibited you may make a U-turn :
a. Never.
b. If instructed to do so by a police officer.
c. If you miss the turn for the supermarket.
4. In a superstore car park it is recommended you:
a. Drive slowly.
b. Be aware of young children.
c. Try to make your tyres squeal.
5. The car in front slows for an amber light. Should you:
a. Change down and pull up smoothly behind him.
b. Come to a halt and ensure you are in neutral before picking your nose.
c. Drop to third, swerve around the slowing car and jump the lights.
6. You have a very important sales job in the toilet paper industry and a two-litre Vectra. This means:
a. The Road Traffic Act applies to you, too.
b. Applies only a bit.
c. Is a serving suggestion.
7. A road sign advises that one of two lanes is closed ahead. Do you:
a. Immediately seek to filter into the traffic thus ensuring a smooth flow.
b. Filter into the traffic while wondering if it might be better to have the advice signposted further back.
c. Race right to the last cone before causing the lead car to brake heavily as you force a way in, giving a matey thumbs up to the man with the air bag in his face.
8. Double yellow lines near junctions and pinch-points are:
a. For road safety.
b. For traffic control.
c. For someone else pal, not me, I need a packet of fags from the shop over there.
9. Driving through the countryside with your Doris on a day out you come upon a small group of houses, a farm and a pub where the national speed limit runs into a 30mph zone. What should you be thinking:
a. Slow down there could be children playing or loose animals.
b. What does 30 in a red circle mean?
c. Watch me show the window-licking yokels how to drive. Oh s*** where did that tractor come from?
10. Answering ‘c’ to the above nine questions makes you:
a. Dead cool and a piece of babe Velcro.
b. A better driver than Alonso.
c. A complete toss pot. (See Wm. Shakespeare - A Midsummer Night’s Dream)

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