February 2007 Archives

I’ve been writing about cars for almost 30 years now and as a result have developed a lot of sympathy for doctors and veterinary surgeons.
You can spot doctors at a party, they jamb themselves into corners and pretend to be Joseph Mengele to avoid questions about over-active toenails and embarrassing nasal discharges.
Vets, you might think, have the advantage. The patient almost certainly won’t be present: “Ooh, Seamus that’s why I brought this sample with me...�
For motoring hacks the probing tends to fall into three categories; what is the best car you have ever driven, what car should I buy and how much is a 1994 Satsuma Castanet GT11 worth with a Kenwood?The food mixer or the sound system?
So, under the heading your questions answered, and because I am going to a party on Friday night, some notes on yellow and black traffic officer patrols.
No, they can’t give you a speeding ticket. Or arrest drivers who insist on making man love to your back bumper.
Highways Agency patrols are able to stop and direct traffic or close roads, typically after an accident. They may also stand guard while a driver waits for the recovery services. However, you should remember that it is an offence to disobey a traffic officer which is punishable with a £1,000 fine and three bonus points.
I cannot help but feel they owe their jobs to the dwindling numbers of traffic police, over 1,500 having been replaced by Box Brownies.
I don’t subscribe to plodism. Some of my best friends are redundant police officers but one way or another government policy has put a thin vein of hatred in us all.
We are not alone, just different. I met a man in Sorrento called Nello who looked exactly like Kojak. Driving into Naples one day he pointed at an Alfa 156 police patrol car: “Hey, English cheap shoes, you-a know why Napoli polizi travel in-a twos? One can-a write and the other can-a read.�

So from Tuesday this week a chat on your mobile while driving may cost £60 in fines and three points. Really, can you argue against that?
There is always hands free although I often wonder if people think you are just talking to yourself. Or worse still, singing.
Everyone knows the only sanctioned use of a spare hand while driving is nose picking.
Actually there are a couple of other distractions that worry me; radios with controls so small and far away they might as well be in another galaxy. And smoking.
If being harangued by the sales director on your Nokia is dangerous how much more dangerous is driving along with a fire in your mouth?
My grandfather was a great one for proving this point by regularly dropping his ciggy in his lap or knocking the tip off on the steering wheel and into his best pullover.
Have you ever seen someone drive a car while doing the Gay Gordons and playing an imaginary banjo?

Best car news of the week ....the Mad Max Monaro just got madder. For £35,000 from July you can buy six-litres of V8 Thunderdome with 420bhp, a 0-60 time below five seconds, rear wheel drive and a really bad attitude.
The VXR8, Vauxhall says, is practical. I don’t think that means you can fit a bicycle in the boot. It’s about as politically correct as whale baiting.

DINING out is a common or garden event these days. The problem is that now public troughing is the norm, many kitchens make the pork connection. They serve swill.
Largely this is because of the quality and provenance of the ingredients.
I am convinced, for instance, that there is a business out there somewhere called www.craptomatoes.com, supplying salad stuffs for pub lunches and onions so strong they would bring tears to the eyes of a cathedral gargoyle.
When I was a child eating out was something really special.
At our favourite hotel the waiter was also a local farmer. He raised the pig on your plate, bottle fed the lamb cutlets in winter and, I believe, was once briefly married to 56lb of Maris Piper potatoes.
This was when Britons had never had it so good, or so infrequently. So we made our way in the family cars. The Stunning Austin 1100 with optional floor and a Wolseley furnished after the style of a pair of cavalry twill trousers.
On the other side of Europe, harnessed to the yoke of Soviet communism, the Czechoslovakian car industry was reduced to building fast attack tractors for the Red Army.
How times have changed. Since the first Octavia rolled off the line at Mladá Boleslav progress has been steady and includes the, er, ‘interesting’ Roomster.
Now you may look at this utility family car and laugh. I must be more objective, but allowed myself a small titter, heavily muffled against the cold.
Externally the Roomster’s shape is more functional than attractive, although you could say it was cute. Perhaps they should have called it the Skoda Hamster.
There is little point in me telling you about the 1.9-litre TDi Roomster’s performance because, frankly, there isn’t really any. Rather the focus falls on family-friendly practicality and clever use of space.
There is, for the £14,000 price tag, smoothness, comfort and a fair amount of equipment including air conditioning, cruise control, electric windows, parking sensors, ABS, ESP and an MP3 player.
Look at this though. The panoramic glass roof gives as good a view of the firmament as the Hubble telescope and for those with an interest in stovepipe hats, is almost as far away.
Every nook and cranny of the Hamster has been pressed into practical use, there’s even a 12 volt socket in the boot.
Figuratively speaking it's a car of two halves. The driving room is at the front and, oh let’s call it the dining room, is at the back. A variable seating system allows for different human and cargo areas including a split level adjustment for the boot space.
Just the job then for taking the family out to eat and certainly in better taste than the average pub lunch tomato.

IF you drive in London you may well feel demonised this week.
The rest of us probably don’t care if Ken Livingstone’s £8 a day congestion charge has been expanded to take in all points as far west as Lundy island. But we should.
Apparently there is massive support for all types of road charges.
It is clear to all right thinking people that the nation must submit to £1.28p per mile road charging to make the sky feel better, restore our cities to Georgian splendour and give England a cricket team it can be proud of.
The whole road charge debate is a wonderful example of the democratic process in action. Some1.7 million motorists petition against the proposals and are blotted out by overwhelming support that seems to be from the association of invisible drivers.
The good news is that ministers have promised drivers that tagging cars will not result in timed journeys being used to impose speeding fines. Even better news is that the word gullible is being taken out of the dictionary.
So, with taxes, charges and more cameras than Dixons, the motor industry is clearly going to catch a cold. Or is it?
Prospects for ox cart dealers are not as bright as you may think.
Manufacturers are working harder than ever to give motorists the cars they want. BMW alone has introduced 232 variants this year.
One of them was not the 325d SE which came out late last year.
The SE will set you back just over £27,000 without options such as leather, sat nav, bluetooth and parking sensors. In fact the extras package on this car added over £5,000 to the list price. That is, whichever way you look at it, a lot to pay for a 2.5-litre six-cylinder diesel with a six-speed box.
Buyers are then surely getting something that registers 9.2 on the pull-o-meter.
Er, well no. The 3-Series is rather like someone who goes to watch The Darkness in a jacket and tie. A sort of Hell's banker. Top speed 156mph and 0-60 in 7.4 seconds. But, whisper this, 44mpg.
While the standard car’s equipment list is long it leans not towards Toy Story II but firmly in the direction of engineering and safety.
Yes, everybody has antilock brakes, BMW’s are just better, coming in when they are truly needed. Certainly there are lots of leather seats around, it’s just that in the 325 the back one is as big as a DFS sofa.
So, in the motoring hell that we will all eventually be condemned to you can have smooth, fast luxury with a sensible fuel bill. Equipment will be what you need but not flash.
There will not, no matter how bad congestion and delays get, be an on board toilet.
You will recall from the bible, it is damnation without relief.