NEVER mind the nasty dolmades crisis, chaos on the Costa Bankia or the French electing a Rafa Benítez stunt double. Now the dust has settled if would be as well to reflect on how close Merseyside came to going to war with the US this week. You know, gun ferries up the East River, inter-continental Cilla Blacks, that sort of thing.

There can be no doubt the lars on the Rock Ferry omnibus felt aggrieved that an ill wind was blowing from the west.

SOMETIMES in this job you get into a car and recognise that it is just about bang on with what it sets out to achieve but you could no more live with it than you could live with Bernard Bresslaw. In a tree.

Take the Renault Twingo. Cute is one word which sums it up. Uncomfortable is another and the two extremes are age related. If you are young, full of active life and have your hair styled by a terrorist cell, this is a result. Over 30s look away now.

FITTINGLY, given that the current incumbent is from Cheshire, this years Bond fans visiting Cholmondeley Pageant of Power (15 to 17 June) will be left both shaken and stirred at this year's event.

On the grid will be a line-up of genuine Bond cars.

YOU just can't get the delivery drivers these days.

Looks to me like an incoming i30 test car may be delayed. This is what happens if you take junction 6 on the M62 instead of going right into West Derby.

Good lord, the city centre can be bad enough but this is a right dodgy neighbourhood.

Proves how tough an i30 is, although, hang on, what's that funny smell from the boot?

IMAGINE, if you will, a bomb's digital clock is ticking away its final ruby-red 30 seconds as you lie bound and gagged in Blofeld's underwater city. Inside a volcano. Possibly orbiting the earth.

You need a hero.

THE inter webbing has buzzed today with comment on Vauxhall's naming of it's forthcoming urban car, Adam.

Speculation is rife that this is all the fault of the Germans who not only bombed your chippy but have had the upper hand in choosing the name. In retaliation it has been suggested Vauxhall be allowed to name the next Opel 'Fruit'.

YOUNG drivers in Britain's leafy shires are over a third more likely to be injured on the roads than their counterparts in the big city. So that's higher insurance next year for the Beverly Hillbillies.

Needless to say someone has suggested the answer lies in more buses. And, of course, there's a 'training issue.'

Well I'm not having that. Rural drivers run the gauntlet of gormless loose sheep, permanently untreated winter roads, diseased badgers, self- liberated muntjac deer and being forced to take evasive action by stray cagoolists.

Then there's the muck. In pursuit of potatoes for what are known as 'fries' some farmers spread liberal amounts of mud across the countryside. If this happened in a town the road would be closed, the evening paper snapper summonsed and politicos wheeled out to blame government cuts.

And were the mortality percentages reversed with, say, an inner London borough, it would be floodlit football pitches and Angelina Jolie look-alike trauma counsellors all round.

With that in mind, perhaps those in the sticks should be awarded Government funds to buy a nice big Volvo which, now that Saab has crashed and burned, is about as safe as you can get.

There are very many lovely things about a Volvo, but it is difficult to shake off the safety first tag.

More air bags than a balloon race, side impact bars, for goodness sake you can't even choose to run someone over any more thanks to pedestrian sensors.The all-wheel drive XC90, for instance, has rollover protection using a gyro-sensor to register how the car is pitched which automatically activates the traction control.

You can probably drive it off a cliff with risk of little more than mild whiplash. In fact I shouldn't be surprised to find it has a parachute for just such distressing events.

It would be futile for Volvo to simply rely on a belt, braces and Velcro fastenings approach to trouser safety. When you's shelled out £42,310 for the R Design Premium, it's nice to survive the week, even better in comfort. And there's plenty of that. Not much has been left off the equipment list, sat nav and Bluetooth are all that sets the Premium aside and Executive status adds the kitchen sink.

There is no petrol version, its the 200bhp five-cylinder diesel or walking. A quiet engine with a sprint to 62mph of 9.7 seconds. Combined consumption is 34mpg.

Oh, and there's only an automatic gearbox. It's beginning to sound like the Volvo Hobson's Choice. No problem, smoother Geartronc change adds to a comfortable ride, effortless tacking the long game. Wind and road noise is low and there is a practically put together cabin and loads of space for the road kill deer. Seven seats, too.

Not that the XC is lacking in the field. It looks suitably rugged in a middle England way and while limited to moderate filth, performs adequately off road with the all-wheel drive system prejudiced towards the front wheels but transferring grip when slippage is detected.

Farmland is likely to be its secondary habitat and, with the marque's popularity among a certain demographic, in town work is more than likely. Yes it's still a bloater and low speed steering can feel numb but at least you and the kids are safer than a nuclear bunker.

With so much self-activating safety kit it's a kind of Minority Report for motoring, you're out of trouble you didn't even know you would be in. All we need now is a coalition donation and the countryside will be a safer place.

APPARENTLY we humans are living longer and remaining active well into the twilight of our years.

Proof? Well the oldest runner in this year's London Marathon was aged 101 years and completed the course in 7hours 49minutes. To put this in perspective imagine rolling a prune over 26 miles at 4.25mph.

This active longevity is excellent news for those who question the excitement on offer in the afterlife and Viagra sales. It is less welcome to pension companies and the NHS.

Always assuming the government steers clear of compulsory repatriation with the almighty for those over 80 the health service is facing a deluge of demand for things like hip and knee replacement operations. In twenty years the whole country will look like that bizarre Wonga advert.

Further back in the dawdling line towards the bright light 50 is the new 40 and 60 is so cool it's more or less just post teen.

Who would have though the Englebert Humperdink was going to tread Eurovision's boards at his age? Actually I think it's a trick, hoping the Brit-hating voters think he's Estonian.

So, just at the point when a chap may be expecting to begin coveting his neighbour's mobility scooter he has the will and probably the funds to drive something tasty, enjoy the wind in what used to be hair.

As I slowly approach a landmark post-pubescent decade of grey power I can confirm that the VW Scirocco R can still pull the ladies and a few Gs. But at £32k for the two-litre 263bhp DSG you need to have either held onto that well paid job or avoided punting your nest egg on Greece.

The Scirocco seems to have been around for ever but of course, it was out of the country for a while, re-emerging into the VW line-up in 2009 the coupe has just had a nip-tuck which has made touch screen navigation a standard feature along with Nappa leather upholstery.

Right, let's get on with it. This is hardcore, the interior may be a masterpiece of designed reservation, nothing dazzling and nothing beige either, but the R badge stands for extreme. Prepare to be smacked in the general area of the gob.

Exterior styling starts off with meaningful deep front end lines then becomes a pair of bulging thighs at the rear. Yes, your bum will look big in this. Wide set twin exhausts leave those in your wake clear they have just been tangoed by something special.

Obviously this is a rapid car, 62mph arrives in six seconds. It's front wheel drive and all that turbocharged power would be a recipe for torque steer misery if it wasn't for the electronic limited slip differential system.

There is a word for the six-speed DSG box. and it's brilliant. You'll be flicking through the gears just for fun - and still be in with a chance of 35mpg.

Not all the time behind the R's wheel will be spent enthusing over its fast and flat composure through the bends, distinctive engine noise and straight line acceleration. There are more mundane everyday journeys, too. Here all is serenely and a lack of wind and road nose. Civilised covers it where often the market offers sensory depravation and skeletal dislocation. Three damper settings help.

And as well as being a sheer driving pleasure the R is well equipped, a full package of white goods, driver aids and connectivity as they don't tend to say down the U3A.

On a practical level it's a three-door but there is a deep boot but not a lot of rear leg room. Rearward vision is restricted. Still, it's a very useable everyday tool.

For those who hanker after the good old days consider this. The 1979 Scirocco Storm blew the opposition sideways when it was introduced. What with? Well a pretty pedestrian 8.8 seconds to 60 from a miserable 110 horses unbridled its 1.6 engine. By today's standards that's almost a marathon time.

A SHORT time ago on the world-wide spider's web I told the story of how frustrating it had been trying to source a hatchback to replace Mrs Orme's 4x4. Not a new hatchback, mind. I'm not daft.

Despite current gloom across the used car job, not quite all the stops were pulled out by some chaps. Not everyone was displaying the form needed to get you inside the portable cabin, signing an order form.

Kia's all-new luxury flagship saloon, the K9, has gone on sale in Korea, The rear-wheel drive will be launched in a number of key overseas markets starting in the fourth quarter of 2012.

K9 is a full-blooded saloon which will go head to head with some of the strongest European brands.

Initially, K9 will be available in some overseas markets powered by an upgraded 290 ps Lambda V6 3.8-litre MPI engine, with a 334 ps 3.8-litre GDI engine joining the global engine line-up next year.

The saloon has a range of advanced luxury features and technologies, including fully adaptive all-LED headlamps, Lane Departure Warning System (LDWS), radar-based Blind-Spot Detection (BSD), a 17-speaker Lexicon (by Harman) sound system, Smart Cruise Control (SCC) and an Around-View Monitor (AVM) with four cameras.

It comes with Kia's all-new eight-speed automatic transmission. The wide spread of gear ratios guarantees brisk acceleration and high-speed refinement, while shift-by-wire (SBW) technology with a joystick control delivers fast, smooth gear changes.